


We All Have Our Vices

by perfect-porcelain (kathleenhasfeelsandwords)



Category: One Direction
Genre: Drug Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 19:05:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathleenhasfeelsandwords/pseuds/perfect-porcelain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>We all have our vices sweetheart. Some are a bit stronger than others.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	We All Have Our Vices

**Author's Note:**

> Based a little bit off me rewatching lost, looking at punk one direction edits, and a girl dear to my heart.

They weren’t always like this. Everyone starts out thinking they would never sink down to the level that they were but it always happens. You can learn to hide or learn to flaunt it, either way it happens.

Currently they were all passed out on the bus all over each other. Niall’s foot was on Harry’s stomach with Liam’s head on Zayn’s back and Louis was just in the middle of them all.

“Oi! What the bloody hell is this? You lads have a show in two hour!” Paul barks out had Louis jerks awake which causes a chain reaction of body parts hitting other body parts and groans of pain and yelps of annoyance.

“We’re up, we’re up.” Liam murmurs, rubbing his eyes, effectively smearing the eyeliner from last night’s show.

“You better be up. I’m not paid enough for this.” Paul mutters to himself as he walks off the bus, leaving them to get themselves together.

“That was some great shit last night Z.” Harry drawls in his low, smoky voice and Zayn gives a little laugh.

“Don’t thank me, thank Olly for getting it.” Zayn gets to his feet, eyes bloodshot like the rest of them. “Anyone need another hit?” He reaches into his bunk to pull out the tiny baggies and the boys are scrambling over themselves to grab at them. “Easy, easy. There’s plenty enough to go around. We are rock stars are we not?” A smirk transforms Zayn’s face but everyone’s too busy making coke lines or shooting up to respond. Zayn doesn’t mind though, he makes his own coke line and sniffs it up, instantly feeling the effects hit him and wow is it some good stuff.

Harry rises from his spot first, the rest sort of in a drug induced bliss. He goes into the bathroom and fixes his hair and turns the eyebrow ring that had gotten messed up in the night. His eyes are bloodshot as usual and his eyeliner is smudged but they have enough time to fix that. He unrolls his sleeves to cover the track marks and stumbles back out into the main area of the bus.

“Come on lads. Sound check.” Harry hears Liam say and with only a few grumbles they’re getting off the bus and onto the stage. They all look a total mess but with a few wonders from Lou, they’ll be back to looking like the celebrities they are.

The sound check is already loud with screams of crazy fans and Harry loves it. He loves the high, but not as much as the high of the drugs which he’s still on thank god. His voice is only a little wrecked from last night but that’s okay. He sings bits and pieces of their songs with Louis plinking away at the keyboard rather annoyingly and he’s shooting the boy looks who of course winks back. Liam is behind the drum kit and he looks like a hypercharged puppy. Zayn has that same brooding look to him on the bass but his eyes have that widened look that he only gets when he has a hit. Niall looks like he’s about to run up the walls on lead guitar and he does random riffs during their songs.

They’re all buzzing and it’s great. Should last them through the concert (one of their biggest yet) and maybe, just maybe, into the night before they need another fix.

They aren’t addicted; no that isn’t the word for it. They use the drugs to help them, to make their career better.

They had started out in a garage with just a dream. Growing up together with talent and nothing to show for it until they an incident with a shopping cart, a chicken, and a hospital bill careened them into the path of Simon Cowell, aka the best music producer around. It set them on their way to becoming the top and the top they became with bang of course. A sold out world tour, hit record, and anything they ever wanted, needed or desired meant that they went a little mental.

They had made a pact at the beginning though. No drugs.

It didn’t last long.

_“Oh god mate you have to try this stuff.” Zayn sighs in content._

_“Z what the hell man? You doing heroine now?” Liam glares at the boy who was too blissed out to even care._

_“Come on Liam just one shot.” Zayn pouts and Liam hesitates. He can’t ever resist Zayn and Zayn knows that. Zayn takes the hesitation for a yes. “Here I’ll teach you how.” And then Liam’s shooting it up and it feels intense and wonderful at the same time. “Feels good right?” Zayn murmurs into Liam’s shoulder and he nods slowly and then something breaks between them (sexual tension most likely) and they’re kissing on a euphoria high and nothing else seems to matter._

Zayn and Liam were the first to fall. Spiraling down together in each other’s arms. Niall wrote a song about it which became their first single on their second album.

_“Shit Louis.” Harry hisses as Louis pulls on his lip ring with his teeth. He tries to squirm away but Louis just laughs and hugs him tighter._

_“Hey Harry I tried something the other day.” Louis says with that gleam in his eye that Harry should find off putting but instead it makes a thrill go through him. He just stares at Louis who pulls out a little baggie and shakes it in his face._

_Harry’s eyes widen. “Is that—“_

_“Yep.” Louis grins proudly. “Wanna snort a line with me?” Harry should feel like he shouldn’t but it’s Louis and he could care less what he should or shouldn’t be doing when Louis is around._

_“Yeh sure.” He watches Louis make two cocaine lines and rolls up two hundred dollar bills and holds one out for Harry. Then he’s feeling the high and it’s glorious and he wonders why people make such a big deal about drugs in the first place when they make you feel this good._

So Harry and Louis fall next. None of them are caught by the press.

Niall is the last.

_“Zayn happy birthday mate!” Niall laughs loudly, his tongue and head heavy from the copious amounts of alcohol he’s consumed in the last hour but he’s fine, really._

_“Thanks Nialler.” Zayn laughs and kisses him on the cheek. The bass is pumping and it’s nice having a break from touring and just being able to kick back and have fun. “Hey Niall come to the back okay? I’ve got a surprise for you all!” Zayn yells over the music._

_“But Zayn it’s your birthday. Shouldn’t we be the ones giving you surprises?” Niall chuckles._

_“Just come on.” So he follows Zayn to a room in the back of the club where the other boys are lounging. “Alright lads. I’ve scored us the perfect drug for tonight.” Zayn holds up yet another little baggie and though Niall hasn’t really dabbled in drugs yet he’s so drunk he doesn’t care at the moment. “Say hello to crystal meth.” Zayn waves the baggie around the all the boy’s eyes go wide._

_Then they’re snorting it and their pupils are little dots and they’re all smiling._

_“Best party ever Z.” Niall grins widely and he’s rethinking this whole drug thing._

So now they’re all druggies. But not druggies in their heads. No, they’re just regular people that happen to do drugs once in a while. Or twice in a while. Or any time they can get their hands on it.

In reality they’re addicts, all of them but aren’t all the best?

*

Harry looks out over the crowd, the screaming crowd that is chanting their name.

_One Direction, One Direction, One Direction!_

It’s just him and the music and he loves it. He could do this all the time if he could to just feel the natural high it gives him. But he can’t. He can’t be on stage which is why he’s knee deep in addiction. To keep feeling that high.

He sings to the world, looking at Louis sometimes with that intense face he gets on the back-up vocals. He looks at Zayn who’s immersed in the crowds as well. He looks at Liam who’s pounding on the drums with loud cymbal clashes and snare claps. He looks at Niall who’s black painted fingernails are effortlessly flying along the strings. This is where they belong. On stage.

A part of him doesn’t want to go back to that tour bus with their stash taunting him and the siren call of the crystals singing his name. But he knows he’ll go running back. He’s too weak.

*

They’re on the road again in another nameless city. They’re all in various states of dress, Liam fully dressed in a button down and black skinnies all the way to Harry who only wears his underwear because Paul had scolded him that these windows weren’t tinted.

“Do you ever want to leave it all?” The words are tumbling out of Niall’s mouth and the boys look at him, TV paused.

“What are you saying?” Louis looks at the boy with a dark expression on his face.

“I mean the drugs. Not the music.” Niall corrects himself and Harry shifts uncomfortably because he wants to. He really does. He fiddles with his lip ring like he always does when he’s nervous.

“Why would we?” Zayn asks in a monotone voice and Niall shrugs.

“Forget I said anything.” And they do, at least pretend to anyway.

*

Another show, another high, another after party, another night passed out drunk. It’s the same over and over. Nameless faces, nameless towns, nothing but each other and the substances that keep them together.

*

Four years they’ve been together and still are reigning rock gods with eyeliner, tattoos (Zayn’s got a full sleeve now and Harry’s well on his way as well), and hardwear on their faces.

They’re relevant. They’re popular.

They’re dying.

Liam is the first one that’s hit.

“Liam!” Zayn yells and his bass is dropped quickly like it isn’t worth anything because it isn’t. He’s running to Liam who’s fallen behind the drum stand. Liam’s ashen and bleeding out of his nose. “Dammit Li don’t you dare do this.” Zayn says fiercely as an ambulance is called.

*

An overdose they said. On what they wouldn’t say. Multiple things probably. Meth, cocaine, heroin. It all just stock piles in your system till you can’t function anymore.

Liam’s stuck in the hospital for a good five days and after that rehab for two months.

One Direction is officially on a hiatus.

A hiatus is never a good thing for rock stars with addictions, even ones that have had a scare like Liam. Zayn goes off the deep end and eventually ends up right alongside Liam and he’s lucky for that. If Niall hadn’t found him in time he would be waiting for them up in heaven. Or wherever addicts go.

Harry’s scared but he’s dug himself a too big of a hole to even attempt to get out of it. Plus he’s weak. Too weak and scared that he’s the next one to go. Louis isn’t far behind him because without Harry he’s nothing.

Surprisingly Niall’s the last one. The last sliver of hope for One Direction but he too succumbs to the pressures without his friends alongside him to keep him company. He’s always been a lonely guy so why not join them?

*

Five months and they’re back in the studio working on a revival. They’re clean at least for now. No one ever stays clean for long in this world of fame, fortune, and vice.

They get their act together though and their hiatus is over and they’re back better than ever. Harry likes not having that siren call waiting for him. He feels like he can live and breathe without it hovering around him like a cloud.

It doesn’t last though.

Liam finds Louis and Zayn snorting meth and his veins are itching for his own fix.

One Direction. The band of has beens and addicts.

It wasn’t about the music anymore. It hadn’t been for a long time and it took Harry this long to realize it.

He walks away. It’s the hardest thing he’s ever done but he walks away and Niall actually follows him.

The last thing he sees is the look in Louis’s eyes that will haunt him in his sleep for months, years to come.

*

It’s too much for Zayn. He’s in too deep, ever since that first shot of heroin he knew he was done for. He’s the first one to go.

*

They hadn’t seen each other all together in one place for almost two years and now one of them is in a casket being lowered.

“You look like shit.” Harry says to Louis softly and he can see his hands shaking and the nervous look in his eye like he’s not sure where his next fix is coming from.

“No one asked you.” Louis bites and Harry purses his lips.

“You don’t have to kill yourself Lou.” Harry says softly.

“Piss of.” Louis spats and storms away. Harry looks over at Niall who’s talking with Liam quietly and Liam’s sobbing and nodding into Niall’s shoulder. Well they might have saved at least one.

*

Liam come clean for the first time in years. Truly clean. He’s staying with Niall who keeps a sharp eye on him. Harry on the other hand is still looking for Louis. He’s not about to let the person to who he was once closest to go off and run himself into the ground.

He finds Louis at his flat, shooting up and Harry doesn’t feel the urge at all. The siren call is silenced.

“What do you want?” Louis mutters, his eyes sunken in and his whole body is like a bag of bones.

“I want you to come with me.” Harry says softly.

“Yeah and why would I do that?” Louis narrows his eyes.

“Because you got me into this. But I’m getting you out.” Harry raises his chin and Louis just swallows and looks away.

*

He comes with Harry though. After some persuading of course. He gets better and Harry holds him through the cold sweat of detox and he holds him through the terrible nightmares and he holds him back against the urges and Louis comes out of the other side of the tunnel alive.

“I didn’t know what to do when Zayn died.” Louis says one day and Harry lowers his fork, letting him talk without being interrupted. “I didn’t know how to go on. I knew I was going to die if I kept going, just like Zayn did but I couldn’t stop.” Louis looks out the window. “We really fucked up our lives didn’t we?”

“I dunno. For me it was all about the music.” Harry says with a sad little smile. Louis looks back toward him.

“Yeah. The music.” Louis gives him his own little smile.

*

They do a last hurrah concert before they hang up the instruments for good. And it’s nice. They get a recording of Zayn’s bass and play around that. It’s bittersweet to say the least but it’s like a full circle.

They started on a high and ended on one.

This time, a high off life.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://www.kathleenhasfeelsandwords.tumblr.com) if you want it


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